=?

i hate having too much free time on my hands. it makes me lazy, complacent and feel really really lethargic, but most of all, i start to think. i know that its quite ironic that i feel that i have too much time on my hands, what with the homework to be done, and trainings coming thick and fast, but i cant help it. i hate thinking. if i had my way, id wish that i had the energy to train daily, for virtually every waking hour, only stopping to eat and sleep. yeah sounds pretty insane, but training seems to be the only time i dont think of stupid things.

like... one thing i do is that i tend to think of my weaknesses and it pretty much overflows sometimes and makes me pretty moody. i know im not the fastest rower - so id think of things like: im not aggressive enough, not competitive enough, technique not good enough, not enough water time, not fit enough etc etc. then itd lead to things like: what if i cant lead the others well enough by not setting a good example? like: i know im not the most positive person, not the most charismatic, not the most motivational, too passive.. the list goes on.

of course, the worst thing is that i always always read too much into the things around me. sometimes a simple action that ive seen someone do earlier in the day can come back to me when im lying in bed trying to sleep or something and spiral into something thats totally exaggerated and unrelated, then i get flustered about it for no valid reason - sometimes.

grr.