reflection
i dont know if its just me, but everywhere that i look, the most common thing that people do nowadays is to push the blame, like nothing is ever their fault. it doesnt matter who you try to push it to, if youve made a mistake, or something goes wrong, youve got to look at the root in order to find out how to fix the problem. i admit, ive been guilty of this in the past, 'nagging parents' - 'lousy teachers' - 'cca too taxing' ... etc. but in light of all the rubbish thats been going on in my life, ive decided to do self reflection, here goes:
my parents have never really been the naggy sort, at least they havent been naggy towards me since i left primary school. i guess its partially cos they trust me, and partially cos they spend more time on my younger sister, but well, as ive mentioned previously, i think they're just about the best parents a person could ask for. theyre trusting, reasonable, willing to listen to explanations for whatever wrongdoings, and i can tell that they always want the best for my sister and i. given the choice to choose from all the parents in the world, id probably still pick my own.
teachers. i realise that ive been rather blessed in this department. im having real difficulty trying to recall any particular year where i havent had a teacher that was a total gem. mrsNg, msSuppiah, msHua, mrKrishnan, mrYong.. just to credit a few. these were the teachers that i can proudly look back on as the key motivators in my studies. they made going to school something to look forward to, made learning an urge. i guess now that im in jc i'll have to adapt that teachers will no longer be that close, and no longer that personal. honestly, my first impression of mrlee was a very bad one, he gave me the image that he was damned freaking selfish, the way he kept talking about how our results would cause him to lose his endofyear bonus and crap like telling us that all other subjects were useless except for physics... but recently ive been starting to wonder, been sifting through all that stuff that comes out of his mouth, that perhaps he has a hidden agenda. that maybe.. just maybe, its his way of motivating us to do better? maybe.
cca. now, heres where i have really nothing to say. used to see this as a chore really. used to be some compulsory thing i only took because the school said i had too and i had no balls to defy the school. its changed to .. something i derive pleasure from. the training, the yearning for improvement, the constant desire to receive recognition. thats what its about.
me. herein lies my problem. ive got to be one of the most messed up people around you'll have the misfortune to meet. i mean, i guess i seem okay on the surface, but inside - you havent got a clue. i think i consider the feelings and reactions of the people around me too much.. though that might not necessarily be a bad thing, its like whenever i have to make a decision, i tend to try to think of the best solution for everybody, and i get rather discomfited when there are people who arent happy with the decision. this fatal flaw, ive never really been able to get over. at the moment, life's just one big mess, and ive been rather depressed too. im getting the feeling that im just letting everyone i know down, especially the team. as a captain, i should be leading by example, which is obviously not the case. just look at me: my grades are a joke, my personal life is just a mess - screwing with my mind every moment, my paddling is snail-like, and now ive even got this stupid knee injury thats hampering my training. what kind of captain am i? haii. im also feeling really guilty towards my parents cos theyve always been so supportive and understanding and giving me time alone to handle my stuffs and all this nonsense is happening, i totally feel like im not repaying their trust at all...
i remember saying that if i were the captain or some exco, id surely give the team my all, my 110%. but with all this crap going on in my life, id be lucky to put in 90%, im sorry guys, i know ive been a crappy captain thus far, i'll change. i promise.
just tell me what to do.
my parents have never really been the naggy sort, at least they havent been naggy towards me since i left primary school. i guess its partially cos they trust me, and partially cos they spend more time on my younger sister, but well, as ive mentioned previously, i think they're just about the best parents a person could ask for. theyre trusting, reasonable, willing to listen to explanations for whatever wrongdoings, and i can tell that they always want the best for my sister and i. given the choice to choose from all the parents in the world, id probably still pick my own.
teachers. i realise that ive been rather blessed in this department. im having real difficulty trying to recall any particular year where i havent had a teacher that was a total gem. mrsNg, msSuppiah, msHua, mrKrishnan, mrYong.. just to credit a few. these were the teachers that i can proudly look back on as the key motivators in my studies. they made going to school something to look forward to, made learning an urge. i guess now that im in jc i'll have to adapt that teachers will no longer be that close, and no longer that personal. honestly, my first impression of mrlee was a very bad one, he gave me the image that he was damned freaking selfish, the way he kept talking about how our results would cause him to lose his endofyear bonus and crap like telling us that all other subjects were useless except for physics... but recently ive been starting to wonder, been sifting through all that stuff that comes out of his mouth, that perhaps he has a hidden agenda. that maybe.. just maybe, its his way of motivating us to do better? maybe.
cca. now, heres where i have really nothing to say. used to see this as a chore really. used to be some compulsory thing i only took because the school said i had too and i had no balls to defy the school. its changed to .. something i derive pleasure from. the training, the yearning for improvement, the constant desire to receive recognition. thats what its about.
me. herein lies my problem. ive got to be one of the most messed up people around you'll have the misfortune to meet. i mean, i guess i seem okay on the surface, but inside - you havent got a clue. i think i consider the feelings and reactions of the people around me too much.. though that might not necessarily be a bad thing, its like whenever i have to make a decision, i tend to try to think of the best solution for everybody, and i get rather discomfited when there are people who arent happy with the decision. this fatal flaw, ive never really been able to get over. at the moment, life's just one big mess, and ive been rather depressed too. im getting the feeling that im just letting everyone i know down, especially the team. as a captain, i should be leading by example, which is obviously not the case. just look at me: my grades are a joke, my personal life is just a mess - screwing with my mind every moment, my paddling is snail-like, and now ive even got this stupid knee injury thats hampering my training. what kind of captain am i? haii. im also feeling really guilty towards my parents cos theyve always been so supportive and understanding and giving me time alone to handle my stuffs and all this nonsense is happening, i totally feel like im not repaying their trust at all...
i remember saying that if i were the captain or some exco, id surely give the team my all, my 110%. but with all this crap going on in my life, id be lucky to put in 90%, im sorry guys, i know ive been a crappy captain thus far, i'll change. i promise.
just tell me what to do.
posted by hilaryTEO at
18:30
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